And then. Silence

-Silence-

 I told him my fear. I told him everything.

I trust you...completely.

Science centre...exciting? No.

I should have ponned today. I really really should have. But there goes my intensive training timetable. Omg. I just reminded myself.

Just like what chris lee says, Just get it over and done with.

I really need to do well for prelims. Chem chem chem. Geog geog geog. 

Nevermind, chem can ask jere. Geog..um. Ask chris? 

...

Exam stress is getting to me and frying my brain alive.

Sighs...why is it always silence when I talk to him now?

Do we have nothing to say? Or do we just enjoy the silence of hearing each other's background sounds?

At least I know he cares

...

I love you. You know that right? 

Tell me that soon, okayy? I really miss it.

The only one whos got enough of me to break my heart

Alrights. Lets see, its 10.21. I want to compile all my rubbish posts into one long post. Don't read it if you're not interested. Or hate long posts, or something along that line. 

On monday, I decided to give wed and thurs a miss cos there will be no teachers in class. And I did.

On wednesday, I recieved a message early in the morn which erased all the whatever thoughts I had of going to school, from amos. He told me some shit crap which I normally would think it over rationally, but no. I blew. 

I wasn't angry, I was freaking crying. Jealousy was the winner there. Called an extremely shocked amos. Which feng called back later. Long story but it so happens he and amos were meeting up to eat macs. 

Wanting to see him/did not want to spend a lonely day at home, I asked if he could come over. Buying hotcakes over at the same time. Mm..goodness. So he did. Which luckily, did not notice my eyes. 

We chatted for awhile, he did something with my speakers. And crashed over on my bed. 

He saw my cuts, got sian-ed out of his life. And I felt guilty. Maybe he did care after all. 

Let him sleep, I went over to the guest room to sleep on the forever itching sofa. Amos smsed me and lo and behold, jere too which happens he did not go to school.

So it was arranged for jere to come over as well. 

He did around 2, wan feng woke up as well. Then began pata ponning, and some shit crap around the house. 

Went off at 6 to amk to eat dinner. Reached home around 9.

Thurs. Decided to pon as well.

Talked to amos who didnt feel so good and he ponned sch as well.

Restaurant citied for awhile. Cooked breakfast.

Called wan feng, and joined calls with amos. BIG mistake.

Amos decided to pata pata pata pon feng's beat off. And slam, the phone line went dead.

I was frightened, I don't know what for. And blew. Again.

Which led to a whole string of events. And it ended with feng calling me and screaming his head off. Which surprised me so much, I shut up instantly. 

We talked till around 4-5, when I wanted to read angels and demons. So I put down the call. 

Went out with mum and eat. Was back around 7.

Then he called around 8. We chatted. Quite happily. Then he had to bathe.

And he called back, and I have to sleep soon. Im giddy. =X

Going back to school tomorrow. And of to the science centre.

Meeting up with him on saturday. ^^

I'm reminded, of...that time. Maybe only jeremy would know what I'm talking about. 

Reading his blogs, I'm reminded of his threat. Break me huh? Like how many god damn times he already did. (Sorry jere, I know they are your friends. But its a different case for me. Do me a favour, dont lecture me)

I can have a hell lot of things to say. But my mood is swinging too badly. I will just turn this into a rant. A childish one at that.

...

And, I officially give up on the problem I have at hand. 

I hear from both sides, they are both right. But they refuse to forgive. Refuse to believe, maybe you think its easy for me to say this kind of words. But I went through more then you think I had. More, definately more. And if my advice ALL falls on deaf ears, and if I have to argue my way through the prob, im sorry. Im not gonna waste my time. 

I have to get this off my mind.

Blaming yourself is not going to get you anywhere. Refusing to see each others points wont either. And why would you all gang up and bully the victim? Does that make you all very big? Does that make you feel any better? Come on lah, he want to rant, he want to say, your prob is it? And then run away from the problem, then send someone to 'argue' with me. I still dont see why I have to talk to her. To see your point? No, I never saw it from the start. 

WHY CAN'T YOU JUST BELIEVE HE LOVES YOU? Why must you think so much? And read so much into the hell of a small problem. When there's actually nothing there at all.

Okayy, maybe im the one to talk. But I don't run, at least I try to talk to him(and NO. This is not bhb)

I know my mood is swinging damn badly still. Im trying not to blow.

Don't.make.me. You will regret it, i swear,

That killer smile of yours

I knew I couldnt escape from it. All this time I've been running, and it finally caught up with me. Damn you fatigue.

Saturdays and Sundays are simply awesome. But our weekend is TOO short. Met up with jere and issac yesterday in bugis. Went to find earrings and buy thumbdrive for mum. Then we went off cos we couldnt find those two sango dudes, it was nice to be alone. :) Walked to suntec and went to marina square from there. Ate nasi goreng and it will be the last time I ever eat it. Went up to rooftop. And sat 70 home. Waited with him for 76. And yupp. Sat went by like that.

Today was alright. Very fun. Met amos in the 24. Went down to amk. Bought bubble tea. Ate lunch. Walk to library. Darling sneaked up from behind me, where the hell did he come from? Went into library. Dj-maxed and played vahalla knights. Rearded games ftw. Went to s-11 eat fried rice and walked amos to bus stop. Crapped alot but very fun. Then went to amk meet jere. Kof-ed at zone x and virtual land. Then went to macs and I played psp again. Went home. 

Talked to amos and darling on the bus. Showered but still very giddy.

Man, I don't feel like sleeping, wake up to another shit day. BUT BUT BUT darling coming down tomorrow. I just want to lie in his arms, feel his hands on my head. The feeling is unbeatable. Even if I were to win kof stage 8 with 3 random. 

Your eyes, that killer smile.

When there was me and you

Went to watch angels and demons yesterday. It's nice, um. A 8 out of 10.

Didn't go school today. Slacking, restaurant citying. And waiting for him to get up.

At 6.30am this morn, he smsed me asking if his mp3 was with me. Nope, it wasn't. 

Hope he found it, is sleeping with it on. Explains why he didn't answer all my wake up calls. Please oh please let that be the case.

Oh oh! I passed combined humans. Though my social studies is still as hopeless as ever.

Omg. It was damn funny. Me and cherie went high. Cos we both got the same marks. 15/50.

We even gave each other a high five. Much to the displeasure of miss intan. Who later asked us to write a reflection on our mid year results. 

Thanks to all who believed in me, gave me strength to pull through this difficult exam period. 

Darling, thank you thank you thank you for sharing my joy, sharing my failures and telling me you know I did my best. 

I love everything you do. Eg. Biting my arm. Stealing my miso soup. Ruffling my hair. Tickling my neck. Almost making me puke yesterday. Being random. Being sweet. Being mischevious. Being sleepy. Teaching me how to use chopsticks. I love you, for every single thing you have done for me. Thank you for being there for me, always.

And thank you for not blaming me for the loss of your mp3, thanks for an awesome dinner and thank you for the microphone. 

I'm tired...in a happy way. 

I failed, every single subject. 

Except I passed maths paper 1. 

Mid year results are a wake up call. I need to start studying. 

I think its either im thinking too much, or something has gone wrong between us.

It's not like I can talk to him about it. He's busy now.

We have become more distant. Maybe its my fault.

But when this ends, what will become of me? Will I stay strong, life goes on?

Or will this never end? Lasting forever? I think Im becoming emo.

Sighs.

I want to hear those 3 words, that can make my heart beat fast. Only you, can make me feel that way.

Massive headache

Woke up, with a headache. Good thing I didn't wake up in between 7-9. I'll jus die of boredem,

Meeting up with dear layter. At 10.15. Oops, gotta get ready soon.

Although its really hard to manage my time, the feeling of someone you love just so much, being close to you, loving you,

...I can't put that feeling in words? Love? i dont know.

Anyway, to all that wished us happy one month, THANKS! :) 

Although I may be a little demanding, always seeking your attention, selfish, unreasonable..and the list goes on. But you have to believe I still love you. It can never be put into words how proud am I of you, and of course, how much I feel for you.

Omg! Dear's picture won special mention award, was like...speechless when I saw, happy when he was happy. And even happier when I found out the photo was modeled by me. ^^

Met up with dear today. He came over, spend the whole morning in each other's company. Then went to yishun for lunch. Jap food court ftw. Trained down to dhoby ghaut. Then saw blood donation drive. Got consent form and decided to come back tomorrow. 

Went down to suntec. Sat at rockery and slacked. Alwyn came, met up with shaun and jere at the arcade. Joseph came but me and dear went home.

Sat 70m. Waited with him for 76, Maybe watching angels and demons tomorrow.

Im still deciding. He said he doesnt like movies...

One month,

From a relationship that I thought was just a fling, that it wouldn't last blossomed into something special. Something sweet, something that is definately worth fighting for.

I can't imagine life without you now.

I don't even want to imagine. 

Anyway,

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR.

I love you, one month has passed. Things can only get better,

Only he knows how afraid I am of lightning...

I'm lost without you

If I could only hold you now, make the pain just go away. Can't stop the tears from running down my face.

I'm feeling so lost. No no, not THAT lost. But, somethings missing. And my gut feeling tells me he's not gonna be back in time to go out. Another day just aimlessly passing by.

Went out for dinner yesterday. Thanks jeremy, thanks joseph. :)

Kof-ed a little, went to eat dinner at KFC. Watched them play chess one ground. So pro T_T

Then went to bookshop buy something, then went to carrefour see joseph play piano. After a while, I went home.

On the 107-m, I was so cold, so tired. I just didn't want to think, I just didn't want to cry. I promised I will stay strong.

Went home, continuing making my time consming present. Talked to Amos. Did until about 12 am when mum nagged me to sleep. I couldn't feel my feet on the ground, serious. Amos told me to reclaim my sleep debt. 

And so I did, slept until 8 today. Yay. 

He havent smsed me yet. Hurry back to me, Im waiting darling.

When you're gone

He should be on the streets on malaysia now, with each passing second, we're even further apart.

I'm actually very happy, although he looks unaffected, although he sounds calm, I know he will be thinking of me. At the same time, I long to see him. 

Especially if the ring that connects the both of us together, is not with him. 

It means I have the entire day to myself. 

Should I be happy about it?

OMG OMG OMG.

Thanks dear! MY SOUND DEVICE IS WORKING.

YES YES YES!!!!

YAY!

My boyfriend is officially the best. Of course, in my eyes. :)

Too bad he's going to malaysia tomorrow, T_T SoL4D team, im sorry. Won't be going out on sat. Must study for chem. But if anyone want to go out on sun, can drop me a sms. 

:D

English and math paper was madness. 

TOTAL madness.

"You two are still very young. What if he meets a girl he likes next time?" 

I don't even want to think about that, Although I know is right? Do I have no choice, but to agree?

Mum saw feng as he came over to fix my comp, or to make it fit for use. Apparently, he's leaving for malaysia on saturday. How am I suppose to fit my longing for him for 2 days into a few freaking hours? 

My comp is much faster, and I believed our relationship took off in a whole new level.

It just gets better and sweeter as the days go by, I don't even miss being single anymore.

There is no need to say I love you because its written all over my face

I already dread the coming weekend, cos I know I'll be alone. I want to hold on to him, "Please stay." But he can't. And im not selfish.

Maybe I'm simply weak, but I'll miss you like crazy. Maybe it'll help us in a way, but it'll hurt. I know it will.
You act so calm, comfort me and all. Are you really that unaffected? Or is it all on the inside?

Damn, I have poa paper tomorrow. And *applause*, its 2.52 am and Im here blogging.
I don't really give a shit anymore. I can fail geog and poa for all I care.
Strange, dad became a christian. But I'm not even closed to thrilled.

I never thought you'll grow to be a part of my life. I never thought this would ever happen to me. But since this is the route I have chosen, I have to learn to deal with every obstacle. I'll be strong, I'll endure, only because I love you.

I mean it when I say I love you, every single word, every single time.

No one can tutor me the way he does, I love my rewards. No need money but yet, priceless. And yet, I can find maths fairly easy today. Except for my geog, its horrendous. No one can save it.

I think Im an unreasonable girlfriend. I hate it when he's busy.
Hate it hate it. Am I still on his mind?

Strawberries

I really do love strawberries. Sweet or sour. Especially when its given by him.

STRAWBERRY hello panda
STRAWBERRY pocky
STRAWBERRY shortcake.

He has yet to give me strawberry lollipop. Maybe I do taste lsweet. Since he's constantly surprising me with sweet stuff. Passionfruit yoghurt, strawberry pocky, strawberry hello panda.
I don't know, gotta ask him.

Darling: i know you're always behind me no matter how I do in exams, how poor am I in studies. Thank you. I love you. Remember that alright?

I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you

YES I DO.

I was thinking about it and I suddenly remembered. If I didn't meet Wan feng, I would have probably have lost my life by now. 3 times...
Interesting. And maybe I'll still be running and stumbling down the entirely wrong path.

Lonliness

Once I experienced the warmth of you for 3 days straight, I cannot stand the feeling of returning to a completely empty house. When i cry, no one sees, no one knows. Once I experience the warmth of your voice and smses, I cannot bear it when I don't hear you. I hate that feeling, There's nothing to remind me of you, no hoodie, no nothing.
If loving is wrong, then I never ever want it to be right.

Had english and chinese papers today. I slept as little as I could but yet, I screwed up. The topics are just not registering themselves in my head. Except I think I did well for chinese compo. But I didn't feel the joy nor any satisfaction. So, in the end. Told nothing happy to dear. I didn't know why i cried in the first place, at first, I thought it was that the papers were difficult. But his message just made me cry more. Then I know, I miss you. I hate being lonely.
Ate my lunch, watched two dramas on channel 8. Felt an overwhelming feeling to see him, give him a hug. And then whisper in his ear how much i love him. But he wasn't by my side.
Went up to called him, he said he was still in the poly.
...Didn't feel like talking to him when he was still there.
Finally, my internet worked. Don't think I will be online for very long tonight. Still got to mug social studies, BIG TIME. For lit, I have full confidence. ^^

I don't know, I still want to see him.

How did I ever find you?

The more you do for me, the more I wonder. How did I ever find you? How did I even think of just taking the easy way out? Really...I'm an idiot sometimes. That day, when I was crying. I could feel nothing, except the pressure of your arm and the gentle patting of my head. I love you more with each breath, each passing second I don't see you.
These few days are eventful, I slept a full 7 hours today, finally. My sleep debt is paid off. Say hi to a newly refreshed me. My mum is back, no swine flu = Mid years exams on monday(Yay) The only thing is, I don't want to do camera today. I really really dont want.
I haven't been blogging for 3 days. Lets start of with wednesday.
-Wed-
Turns out that I can't sign a line due to mum owing m1 outstanding bills. Went to a random rooftop and cried my heart out. But, thanks dear. He signed a line for me, got me VIEWTY! VIEWTY VIEWTY VIEWTY! Awesome lar. To anyone who wants my new number, ask Wan feng or you can ask me on msn. ^^

-Thurs-
He came down to school. 53-ed down to serangoon. Slacked at macs, ate. Then random rooftoop again. After that, bought mcflurry. Sent him to bus stop, walked home.

-Fri-
Met him around 11 at AMK. Peppermint milk tea ftw! Went with him to update something. Then went arcade. He played time crisis 4. Then I played puzzle fighter and Kof. Then went to empty stairwell. After that, chiong go plaza meet Amos, Jeremy, Issac and Joseph. After arcade for awhile, wanted to go LAN but all full. So me and amos and dear went to amk. I hate my L4D skills now, cos I realized im getting irritated by boomer's vomit, friendly fire and all the things dear used to scold us for. Shit. Amos had to leave halfway during death toll advance. So me and dear chiong. In the end, all survivors survived. Then we tried dead air normal. All survived too!
Went to eat dinner and went home. Talked to dear. Slept.
The best thing was, dreaming someone called me. Cos my ringtone used to be cai hong. Then I woke up, jeremy smsed me. Revenge lor, 5 am sia. Haha. Went back to sleep. Woke up at 7 to poke my mum.

I hope today will be a better day. Together, with each passing day, we take a step towards our future, together.