I guess I'm back,

All those posts, I was depressed, I was emo. I don't think i'm 100% back. Here I am telling people to smile, but smiling becomes tiring for me.

I didn't do a proper blog since like...thursday. Right. Recently, since wednesday, the past have been coming back. More then usual, is it due to thinking too much? I want to cry it all out but the tears won't come.

Thursday- Had cca, so I stayed back in the class. Bought chicken rice from the pri sch and went to class to eat it. Recently, I feel so alone in class. Everyone is beside me talking or sleeping. Yet, I feel like I am different from everyone, in a sense, that makes me lonely.
So, after that, called Amos. Chatted for quite awhile. After he put down, I emo-ed with mp3(I didnt bring my psp that day), smsed amos and at 3.30, headed down for cca. When I stepped out of the classroom, I felt even worse. I felt like crying too, but held back. Went to ava, and cca started.
The sec 4s need not do anything, so I sat there, chatted, slacked. And I had a certain thought.
I knew I had full control of my ability, it was just so easy to feel everyone's emotions. Who's lying, whos hurting. They're all enjoying themselves, thats good. But I'm not, at that point, I really wanna just close my eyes and never open them again. Just sleep on for eternity.
At 5.30, left for home immediately. I forgot what I did at home. But I didn't do math, sorry math, I promise I'll practise next week. x( it was so easy to feel their happiness but it didnt make me happy like it usually would.

Friday- Went to school, argued with mum in the morn. School was fine. Nothing much to say, I smiled as usual but its getting weaker and weaker. I really felt like snapping in the middle of geog. But, held it in. Forced a smile and a fake mood, someone else in the class could feel. Guarding is tiring. In math lesson, ran to the toilet and cried. Partly cos of cramps but i don't know the main reason. Felt better, went back to lesson. After lesson, chiong home. As usual, i forgotten what I did. Except I didn't practise math. Argued with Alwyn in the night. Went to sleep with a heavy heart.

Today- Argued with Alwyn in the morn today. As I did, I made a mental decision. Im not gonna fake anymore today. So, I met him at macs. I had a serious loss of appetite. Watched alwyn chomped down his burger. When edmund came, I ordered mine. Ate most of it, alwyn ate 80% of my fries. Didn't finish the coke. After that, argued with alwyn for some minor reasons. Then went to serve with a heavy heart. Again, I told edmund to hit me. But he didn't, he tried to make me smile but I didn't. Kinda felt I was selfish, so I smiled, for him. Service was okayy, daniel was nice! >.<, I didn't deserve it. Pastor daniel came to preach today! ^^. Went around like mad when I heard that. Edmund joined us for dinner. I ate hotplate noodles, at 30% and couldnt finish. Went to manga, ordered honey butter crepe but I couldnt finish. When edmund left, I dropped mymask. I stopped smiling altogether. The bus ride home was tiring. When I came home, I felt alone but better. Now Im here blogging, I know tomorrow will be a better day, I know it will be.

And some random parts of songs I feel it kinda applies to me now.
坚强得太久好疲惫
梦见发着光的草原
一身伤回到很久以前
我选择不恨　带着平静走远
醒来后　夜还是长夜 -罗志祥 - 灰色空间

kanashiku nanka nai no ni namida ga koboreta no wa
kimi no omoi ga itai kurai ni
boku no mune no oku no KIZUato ni shimikonde
yasashisa ni kaetekureta kara - Jewel, Ayumi hamasaki.

挫折まみれ 流行にまぎれ 幸せな振りをして歌う
もっと走れと言い聞かして 無謀にも そっと風上へ
来た道を一瞥 ゆとりは御免 四面楚歌 参戦に次ぐone game
「山あり谷あり崖あり」 塵は積もってく
果てしない旅の途中で 街のはずれに立ち寄る
疲れた両足をそっと投げ出して 寝転ぶと 繰り返される浅い眠り
何度も同じあの横顔 何度も同じあの言葉を…
「生きてるだけで悲しいと思うのは私だけなの?」と- Velonica, Aqua timez.

Thats all for now. Hope tomorrow would be a better day. :(